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8 Questions You'll Ask Yourself During "Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters"

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Don't eat the f*cking candy. If Hansel and Gretel is wrong, I don't want to be right.

What do you get when you take the director of Dead Snow and give him free reign over Grimm's Fairy Tales and a liberal amount of fake blood? Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. It's been universally panned by critics for being a gory mess of a parody but well-liked enough by moviegoers to take No. 1 at the box office. Analysts chalk up its inexplicable win to a lackluster roster of films to choose from, but they're obviously underestimating the appeal of a black comedy full of absurdity, expletives, and excessive gore.

This film delivers campy perfection, living up to the incredibly high low expectations.

(Thank you to Paramount for the exclusive set photos!)

Why did I just pay money to watch a sequel to a Grimm's Fairy Tale as told by MTV?

Why did I just pay money to watch a sequel to a Grimm's Fairy Tale as told by MTV?

Short answer: Oh, right, because I don't hate fun.

Long answer: During Oscar season, theaters are fraught with movies that require things like "thought" and "paying attention." Summer is the time for popcorn movies. But no more! It is time to unshackle society from the movie dichotomy! What do we want? Mindless fun! When do we want it? All year round!

Image by Paramount Studios

Are Hansel and Gretel going to give off a weird incest vibe?

Are Hansel and Gretel going to give off a weird incest vibe?

Short answer: Shockingly, no.

Long answer: Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner managed to pull the off the hardest trick in the Hollywood book by having platonic chemistry. Painfully attractive adult actors of the opposite sex having an awesome bromance? Unpossible! Until now.

Image by Paramount Studios

Where do they get all those wonderful toys?

Where do they get all those wonderful toys?

Short answer: The prop department.

Long answer: This movie is riddled with anachronistic steampunk weapons. From an unfolding sniper rifle with exploding ammo to a charmed minigun with everything you can imagine in between, Hansel and Gretel do not wish for expedient means of witchy death. They seem to be well-paid for their work, which is good since there is probably one weaponsmith in all of fictional Germany with the necessary skills.

Image by Paramount Studios


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